Don't tell me what i can't do....

amen

2007-04-30T14:15:00.000+08:00

An Open Letter to PBB Management

I would like to express my disappointment with PBB season 2 and its management. I know this letter will most likely be ignored but still I would like to vent my frustration over three things: (1) the misleading announcements/teasers, (2) the grossly biased editing of the primetime edition, and (3) the livestreaming.

MISLEADING ANNOUNCEMENTS/TEASERS

In the April 28 episode of PBB on primetime, Toni Gonzaga announced that a housemate would be forcibly evicted, but the identity of the said housemate will be revealed on the next day’s episode, April 29. So the viewers waited with bated breath for the April 29 episode. However, the April 29 episode only showed the confrontation which transpired between Bea and Maricris, ending with Toni’s pronouncement (again!), “kung sino ang mapapatawan ng forced eviction, abangan bukas.” The viewers waited with bated breath for this very important development, only to learn that the scheduled announcement was put off for the next day. Toni did not even explain why.

This is not the first time that PBB misled its viewing public. This also happened with the balut episode of Tina. It was announced in TV Patrol World and in the PBB Update of Bianca Gonzales that the balut episode would be shown on the PBB primetime edition that evening. However, the primetime episode only showed the same teaser shown on TVPW and Update, with Toni saying, “abangan ang buong kaganapan bukas.”

Are you doing this for the ratings, or what? TV rating is the only possible reason I can think of why you have to fool the viewing public. And fool us, you did.

GROSSLY BIASED EDITING OF THE PRIMETIME EDITION

Since the first season, I have already observed the one-sided editing of PBB shown on primetime to favor certain housemates. This season, the unfair editing is so disgusting. You can’t blame us if we think you are trying to protect a certain housemate because of your very crude and biased editing, as in garapal talaga.

I am referring in particular to Wendy Valdez. It is very obvious that you are favoring and protecting her because you never show her bad side on primetime, whereas you have no qualms in showing the bad side of the other housemates. Some of her bad behavior which you did not show on primetime include, but are not limited to, the following :

1. Wendy’s rudeness to Tina such as: speaking in Tagalog while looking at Tina then laughing out loud – Tina even had to ask her several times if she (Wendy) wanted to say something; while sharing a cigarette, Wendy commented, “ke bago bago, nakiki-share”; while they were together with some other housemates, Tina was talking about Europe then Wendy said, “ang boring,” and immediately left; Wendy only talked to Tina because BB gave her a task.
2. Wendy and her cohorts having their backbiting sessions inside the prayer room, neither were they punished. The house rule state that, “The prayer room is a special spiritual place in the Big Brother house where you can contemplate, read the Bible or other spiritual materials, and pray. You are not allowed to hangout and conduct other activities in the Prayer Room. Keeping the place solemn is the rule.”
3. Wendy violated the “no mouthing of words” rule. Even Bodie, her ally, called her attention to this, but she was not given an automatic nomination. Her automatic nomination was for the lapel microphone which she turned off.
4. She called Saicy’s attention when the latter started to hang out with Gee-Ann, telling her, “akala ko doon ka na sa kanila.” Apparently, she does not want her minions to associate with the other housemates. And she had the gall to comment that the other girl housemates do not hang out with them! It is she herself who is creating a faction with herself as leader. Those not in her group are the subject of their backbiting sessions.

There are more incidents of Wendy’s bad attitude never shown on primetime. I don’t need to enumerate all, as I am sure, you are well aware of them. You just chose to ignore them to make Wendy look good on primetime.

Another disgusting thing about primetime is your tendency to show a particular event several days late. Whereas in the previous editions of PBB, events occurring on a particular day are shown on primetime the next day, now it’s shown two or three days after. And some scenes are stretched over several days like Wendy’s overacting reaction to Bruce’s leaving. The viewers had to suffer through it for several days. Oh, come on! We are fed up with the Wendy-Bruce “loveteam.”

I pity the viewers who rely only on the primetime edition and do not follow the events on the “24/7” livestream. They are the ones being duped. All TV viewers deserved to see both the good and the bad side of each housemate.

“24/7” LIVESTREAMING

Some subscribers sarcastically call the supposedly 24/7 live feeds as only 20/7. Why? Because they pay for 24/7 access but there are times you turn the feeds off to compel them to watch the unfolding events on primetime instead. You are cheating the subscribers of their money. And you claim “technical reasons” as your excuse. The subscribers are not stupid.

Another indication that you tend to favor Wendy: There are times when the two cameras showing the live feeds are focused only on Wendy even when she is not doing anything. Naka-tunganga lang siya, pero nakatutok ang dalawang camera sa kanya! There are other housemates in the house, why focus on Wendy alone? If your cameramen are so smitten with Wendy that they cannot help but focus on Wendy, at least assign one camera to the other housemates. The subscribers do not pay good money just to watch Wendy on live feed.

Would it be too much to ask for an improvement in your management of PBB?

I used to be an avid follower of PBB since season one but I am beginning to wonder if season two is worth all the trouble. I just hope your machination won’t backfire on you.

Respectfully yours, (You’ve lost my respect.)
Regretfully yours,

Nayeli

pda yeng ;)

2006-12-13T23:51:00.000+08:00

hay nakakapagod talaga maglakad-lakad sa mall ngayon. sobrang daming tao tapos idagdag mo pa yung gusto mong bumili ng ipangreregalo pero ang bottom line is... wala kang pera.
well anyway, nakakita ako ng winnie the pooh na mug, cguro yun na lng bibigay ko kay donna. i hope magustuhan nya. siguro pati kay april yun na rin. mga alagad ni winnie the pooh! hehe.. haiz. i need to buy something for my bestfriend pa nga pala. huhuhu.. pati sa L2. tsk.
-------
pakiramdam ko, ako si bob ong. hehe. taglish ang sulat. yung tipong parang may kinakausap ka lang. in short, parang ganito nga. nakuha ko rin tong style na to sa blog ni graxa.
sheesh..lapit na pasko. at single ako! actually first xmas ko to na single.. since 2002.. hmm.. pero ewan ko, siguro magiging happy din naman ako. baket? kasama ko naman family ko.. andyan naman friends ko. kahit na nagpapakasaya yung iba kasama ang mga significant other nila at ako ay eto.. nanlalamig ang pasko... atleast im not hurting. hehehe. yes im trying to convince myself to feel ok and i know i will be ok.
--------
now ko lang napasin, walang kakwenta kwenta mga tinatype ko dito ah. agrh. di tulad kanina habang naglalakad ako sa sm. jusko walang tigil ang mga idea sa utak ko. di ko na nagawang mag online sa netopia, kasi naman.. haller naka dsl din nman dito sa bahay, libre pa. baket pa ko dun sa magbabayad ako diba??? ayan tuloy, puro trash lang tong nasusulat ko ngaun. in short.. basura! parang si avic lang! haha ;)
o sya sya.. sa susunod ulit na basurang entry....

ps
nanood ka ba ng pda??? vote ka na dali!!
PDA YENG send mo sa 2331 (globe and sun) 231 (smart, tnt)

numb to the highest level

2006-11-25T20:31:00.000+08:00

i am taken no more last november 21. i got hurt, yeah.. but not that much. i cried.. but just the right amount of tears to be shed for someone like my ex. i never gave up on the relationship.. on us.. because i know.. we can make it. i have never been this positive in my whole life. i even have plans of marrying the ex. but sadly.. when you're tired and you're fed up.. even if you know you love the person far more than you could.. even if it'll hurt like hell.. you just have to give up.. because you ran out of reasons to stay.. add to that the fact that you also ran out of reasons to fight for the love you believed will last a lifetime.

sometimes i would ask myself if the problem is me. after my ex of 2 years and 9 months, i never seem to have a relationship longer than 6 months. wala ng sumunod na matino after nya. ok i'll be honest. i would be lying if i say na i don't feel anything for that ex (2yrs), pero naman may sarili na syang life.. a life that is a zillion times away from me.. a life that does not include me. so why bother?? argh. im making my life complicated. screw me.
i just wish my ex the best. alam ko nasaktan ko sya sa mga nasabi ko the day we called it quits. by im only human. and i have the right to get mad.. naubos na pasensya ko. sana lang, hindi ganito ang ending. i don't want my ex to hate me and vice versa. but wtf, i hate my ex. haha. i hate my ex to pieces. and god knows i don't want to see my ex, kahit marinig ang name nya. it makes me uncomfortable. ewan ko ba, para kasing ginawa nya kong tanga eh. at syempre pa, kaya ako naiinis kasi nagpakatanga rin ako. i could have said no, or i could have just ended the relationship a month ago. pero hindi ko nga ginawa. baket? eh kasi nga mahal ko sya. pero totoo pala yun, pwedeng mapalitan ng galit ang pagmamahal sa isang tao. when that happens.. there's no turning back.

ewan ko. di ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko sayo. ikaw ex na 2 yrs, mahal pa rin kita till now. it sucks.

sa recent ex ko naman. I HATE YOU. magpatingin ka na sa psychologist or whatever. basta.

nakakapagod maghintay at sabihin sa sarili mo na meron naman itinakda para sayo. pero pano kung wala? pano kung sinabi lang nila yun para di naman masakit tanggapin sa mga taong tatanda pala mag isa?? baket ba di na lang kasi sabihin na habang buhay ka ng mag isa, ja.. at wala ng magtatagal sayo dahil hanggang 6 months ka lang.. aray ko!

but i still believe in love.. *sigh*

what ifs

2006-10-26T23:31:00.000+08:00

i just finished windmills of the gods and morning,noon and night.. both by sidney sheldon. i love the first one, i wasn't able to put it down eversince i started reading it.. its a good book. i highly recommend it.go grab a copy.thanks to books for less teeheehee... ;o

i'm pissed with someone, and it sucks because it's someone close to my heart. i don't know why she keeps on pushing me to the limit.. sometimes i just want to shout and say 'enough' but god knows that's not what i want to say. i would often wonder what its like if i cut my life support to her.. maybe i'd cry.. maybe it will hurt. but only for a while.. the big question is.. can i handle another heartbreak? can i handle someone leaving me for the nth time?? but what if its the best thing we can do for the both of us? what if its the best option than to stay going around this never ending circles and end up hurting each other?? what if it was never meant to be??

i should be an expert in handling heartbreaks.. this isn't my first..second..third..etc.. and i know this won't be my last.

but what the hell..

why does it always have to hurt like this?

happy birthday

2006-07-19T17:22:00.000+08:00

Happy wappy Birthday Shielah Baby!!

Love yOu!!!

convincing powers

2006-06-25T23:55:00.000+08:00

i'm so tired.. but it was all worth it.

i'll be really busy starting this week.. haaayy..

but being busy won't stop me from meeting L2 at prov or tulyase.. i need some extra horse running through my veins.. teeheehee.. :)

.......

last saturday, i was able to watch the fireworks display at MOA with some of the ladies from L2.. i had to turn my back against them because i know any moment i might cry.. hehe.. ang babaw.. wala lang.. i just thought that watching the fireworks with someone you lurve is one memory i'd like to have. kaya lang i dont even have the slightest idea on who to bring the next time i had the chance. looks like i'll be watching it alone for some time....

......

i have to confess.. sometimes i miss being in a relationship.i just try to convince myself that this isn't the right time to have one.. im not that serious.. and that i don't have time for that.

i hope i can still convince myself.

tsk tsk tsk

2006-06-09T10:56:00.000+08:00

+ EXTRA JOSS = HANG OVER! hehehe!

the reason why i wake up with a smile on my face every morning...

2006-06-08T10:39:00.000+08:00

This is charlie.. i love him sobra kasi everytime i pick him up for our dri bath session, he doesn't hesistate that much unlike chloe. He's a bit pasaway but once u hear him chirp... hay naku.. you just can't resist!! ;)

everyone.. meet chloe..she's celebrating her 4th month with me, and i love her with all my goddamn heart. i love stroking her kasi she's malambing and all.. =)

ayun lang.. i love 'em both. they keep me sane. kaya pag wala ko sa bahay i'm always worried na baka wala na silang water sa cage.. nyahahahah....

i'm not insane..just an animal lover =)

tsk tsk tsk

2006-05-31T12:19:00.000+08:00

sorry for not posting for like how many days. im so tamad. tsktsk. i just don't have the urge to write. kinakalawang na utak ko. harhar.. anybody up for an intellectual intercourse?? i need some before i head back to schooL. being a home body for more than 2 months isn't really a good thing. i've gained what i lost because i stopped taking my diet pills (i started taking it again though), i'm broke, my atm's busted.. i can't even watch a movie!! argh i just hate it.

i had a pseudo conversation with denise last night. she was wondering why a lot of people.. are settling for flings and why all of a sudden they are afraid to have a commitment.

my POV lang. the reason i am not into commitments at the moment is because i am planning to work and study at the same time. i don't want my partner to feel neglected or taken for granted. plus, i just had my heart broken last march 12, and it's too early to have another relationship. kumusta naman yun sana allow me to move on noh. i'm halfway already, and i'm taking it slowly but surely because before i move on to the next phase, i want to make sure i won't go back to where i've started. for the record i don't have any phobia or fear about having a relationship. I STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE, and i still have faith that someone out there is destined for me. cliche as it may sound, wala na lang pakialamanan. haha. :)

anyway i'm having a blast living a single life. i can be as insensitive as i can without hurting anyone.

oh yeah but at the end of the day you still wish that you have someone to come home to... awwww...

i also have to remind myself to not get back with an ex.. oh and i'm not bitter..

just stating a fact ;)

im just about to commit suicide

2006-05-17T09:04:00.000+08:00

passed my exam at west contact services despite the fawking math questions. never mind the headache. interview on the 23rd (hay ang tagal no, natapat yata kami sa maraming applicants eh). no opening for part time so i might opt for full time instead. yes dear, i am about to kill myself. law school and a full time call center job. kewlness!! aba malay mo pumayat ako dito. harharhar.

really, even if it means i have to sleep less or totally ditch my social life, i don't care. i want to work. and i will finish law school. sana lang wag ako agad sumuko. hehehe ;)

isipin ko na lang, everytime i am about to give up, i am doing this for myself. at kakayanin ko to. aja. hehe.

at syempre no, di ako papayag mawala ang social life ko ng tuluyan. nyeta yan, papakamatay na nga ako ipagkakait pa yan? grabeh naman. hehe.

da vinci code na tomorrow!! i think i'll be watching it all by myself (wawa naman) since my bro can't watch (he's only 17) and my mom and dad made it clear they don't want anything to do with movie.. ok ok.. point taken. so yun. ah, no one can stop me from watching, tagal ko kaya inabangan to! and then the next day, sama ko na bro ko, over the hedge naman. kewlness!

argh i hate my red tide!

thief

2006-05-11T10:29:00.000+08:00

i'm in pain. i'm hurting. though it doesn't show.. i'm expert at hiding.

but at least, it's slowly fading.. unless the bastard starts texting me again..

it hurts everytime the bastard remembers me only because the bastard needs something..

and it sucks.. big time.

i need some spanking and maybe a little bump on the head.

wake up, ja.

smell the flowers..

don't be so blind.. it's crystal clear.. the bastard's not into you..

why is life so unfair? i was almost there.. i was so close to moving on..

and like a thief in the night the bastard stole everything.

f*ck.. i need to start all over again. dammit.

bday!

2006-05-09T02:15:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MHAY! LABYU!!!

random thoughts and missing my ex

2006-05-06T17:55:00.000+08:00

last night, i had a great time with my friends..

kahit na naubos budget ko and everything, wtf basta happy i don't give a damn! :)

hay, i wish reb and i were like mae and miel.. or even cel and shielah. but some things aren't meant to be. but i am still hoping, that someday, somehow.. we can be friends.. really good friends. (no feelings involved also. haha)

can you keep a secret? i miss him.. he's one cool guy to be with.. really friendly and worth keeping.

i found out that his gf was kinda jealous of me. i don't know how to react. why me? reb should've told her the story behind the break up. angel, if only you can read this, i assure you, reb doesn't have any romantic feelings towards me, and geez.. our story ended ages ago. i hope you'll come around. reb doesn't like his girl to be soooo selosa. fawk. i should know. haha.

work and studies. yan na muna. no time for love. it can wait.

wishing and hoping.....

2006-05-02T21:27:00.000+08:00

wanna have somebody who will understand me..

who will give me enough time and attention i need...

who will love me for who i am and accepts me as a whole..

wish i will meet that somebody soon...

somebody who can give me fidelity....

somebody that i will love for the rest of my life....

i should have known

2006-05-02T21:22:00.000+08:00

call me stupid.. or naive.. or let's make it simple.. tanga.

because i am in love with my ex..

i was so disappointed, because i prepared approx 8 sms to send para lang aminin yung nararamdaman ko for him. and i expected too much. because I GOT NOTHING IN RETURN. oh wait, i got something din pala, dinedma text ko, hindi nagpaparamdam. o kaya sumasagot sa text ko, pero halata mo namang napipilitan lang dahil one liner lang ang sagot.

if you're doing this because of revenge, bravo.. nanalo ka. because you got me.. and i was a fool to fall again.

i believed you, akala ko talaga u want to try.. again. i was working hard to make it work.. i told myself this time around i will follow my heart.. i have gone this far, only to find out na wala naman pala tlaga in the first place..

dammit.. i will have to start all over again.. another painful moving on process..

because i hate patring.

2006-04-30T21:28:00.000+08:00

Hazrat Inayat Khan:

The sage said, "The best thing is not to hate anyone, only to love. That is the only way out of it. As soon as you have forgiven those whom you hate, you have gotten rid of them. Then you have no reason to hate them; you just forget.

Spiritual Dimensions of Psychology

and hopefully i can't get her out of my mind before i kill her.. hehehe.. joke!! :P

Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge. ~Isaac Friedmann

and i'll be getting that revenge soon...

answer

2006-04-28T00:43:00.000+08:00

since i can't make a testi for U without being discreet, might as well post it here.

Umm.. thanks for saying na mabait ako. at least kahit yun na-appreciate mo. that's a big achievement for me already. about being insensitive.. i still don't think that i am that insensitive.. because if that's the case, malamang countless times na kitang nasaktan. it's just one way of saying na hindi ako manghuhula. if you hate me or meron akong maling ginawa, ano ba naman yung sabihin mo saken pag nagtatanong na ako diba? ito kasi isa sa mga naging prob natin eh. alam ko may something, but then again pag tinanong kita di mo sasabihin, you'll tell me na di ka ganon.. na you don't open up ng basta-basta.. so how am i suppose to know?? and if you are sensitive enough, as how you put it, you should know that it will me hurt too.

anyway let's not dwell on the past too much. tapos na yan. kaso lang, hangga't d pa sya nareresolve, i know na mauulit at mauulit yung incident na yun. i guess if we want to get back together we should work on that.

let's face it, madami nagbago satin.. sa tagal natin di nag-usap. pero naniniwala pa rin ako.. kahit ano pa man yun, if we really want to work things out, we can make it. so please show me that you really want it. show me that this is what you want.

because frankly speaking i am willing to try.. again.

=)

2006-04-27T22:19:00.000+08:00

april 25, 2006

happy birthday A. thanks for meeting up with me. it was so nice to see you again after 2 months.

------

i confused as hell.

i'm still trying to find the answers to the questions...

oh gawd.. i think i am falling for A.. again. tsk tsk.

cafe bossa

2006-04-20T22:05:00.000+08:00

PARA SA AKIN
by Sitti Navarro

Kung ika’y magiging akin
Di ka na muling luluha pa
Pangakong di ka lolokohin
Ng puso kong nagmamahal

Kung ako ay papalarin
At ako’y iyong mahal na rin
Pangakong ikaw lang ang iibigin
Magpakailanman

Ref:
Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
At hayaan na lang tumibok ang puso mo
Para sa akin

Kung ako ay mamalasin
At meron ka nang ibang mahal
Ngunit patuloy ang aking pag-ibig
Magpakailanman

p.s.
dami na may gusto sa album ni sitti.. count me in! hehe. :)

my mom,erap and ka roger

2006-04-19T23:10:00.003+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUDRA!!

alabyoooooooo!!!

painom ka sa friday ha? hehehe..

kahit ka bday mo si erap at ka roger you're still the best mom for me.. awww. *sniff..sniff*

ps.
you owe me a parlor day :P

sigh

2006-04-19T22:57:00.000+08:00

yes its a nice feeling.. being in love.
but when you get heart broken
you tend to go to different places,
see different people..
hangout with other friends till dawn.
drink till you drop..
smoke and fly, get wasted..
watch the most dragging scene
laugh at the corniest joke..
smile to everyone..

when you know deep inside you that all you wanna do is....

cry.

theme song

2006-04-18T00:13:00.000+08:00

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

something to ponder

2006-04-17T16:03:00.000+08:00

"How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things time cannot mend. There are some hurts that go too deep . . . that have taken hold."

"People come into your life and people leave it... you just have to trust that life has a road mapped out for you." -Orlando Bloom

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown

Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts. ~Author Unknown

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey

I thought when love for you died, I should die.It's dead. Alone, most strangely, I live on.~Rupert Brooke

to my closest friend in the planet.

2006-04-15T02:44:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CEL BABY! LOVE U HEAPZ!!

insensitive

2006-04-11T10:34:00.000+08:00

Insensitive
Jann Arden
How do you cool your lips, after a summer's kiss?
How do you rid the sweat, after the body's bliss?
How do you turn your eyes, from the romantic glare?
How do you block the sound Of a voice you'd know anywhere?

1-Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes, your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face, told me
Maybe, you might have some advice to give
How to be insensitive, insensitive ooh, insensitive
How do you numb your skin, after the warmest touch?
How do you slow your blood, after the body rush?
How do you free your soul, after you've found a friend?
How do you teach your heart
It's a crime to fall in love again?

Oh, you probably won't remember me
It's probably ancient history
I'm one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I'm out of vogue,
I'm out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have some advice to give,
How to be insensitive(repeat 1)

the act of forgiving

2006-04-11T10:10:00.000+08:00

"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."

"Forgiving does not usually happen at once. It is a process, sometimes a long one, especially when it comes to wounds gouged deep. And we must expect some lapses...some people seem to manage to finish off forgiving in one swoop of the heart. But when they do, you can bet they are forgiving flesh wounds. Deeper cuts take more time and can use a second coat."

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."

last night, i know i am complete.. again. i was able to finally face my excess baggage, a baggage i have been trying to get rid of.

i finally accepted A's friendship.

it wasn't easy, i was firm with my decision that i don't want A to be my friend. i was even sure i don't want anything to do with A. i want A out of my life.. for good.

but last night's topic at ANC changed everything.

finally.. peace of mind, here i come.

cousin

2006-04-10T01:27:00.000+08:00

i'm dead worried about my cousin, JA. he's sick.. very sick. i am not that close to him but he was the first cousin from my mother's side who was able to really remember my name.. he would always ask my aunt about me, calling me "ate jan-jan..". i'm so worried i want to cry. but i'm not going to be cynic about his situation, he will get well soon. i'm sure of it.

but there's something that i can't get out of my mind. my cousin, when he was still here in manila (he's a nursing student at feu), had a dream. in his dream, someone was telling him to go already. after that, he doesn't want to sleep.. he's afraid he might dream of that person again. hayy... if only i can hug him. :(

just a tiny favor. include my cousin in your prayers.

splitting headache.

2006-04-08T02:10:00.000+08:00

ahh.. my pleasure sticks.
relieves tension.
a must while drinking coffee.
my dessert. teeheehee.

and the reason why i am having a terrible headache.. huhuhu.

a must for a coffee addict like me.

starbucks is the place to be (never mind the calories)

current fave: vanilla cream frappuccino. yum yum

perfect partner for my pleasure sticks..

too much drinking can cause cancer.. of the pocket

ignore the clutter

2006-04-06T10:30:00.000+08:00

you keep on telling everyone that you're happy.. so be it! i never questioned your happiness. in fact i was even happy for you. so quit the unnecessary "parinig" and live your life away from mine.

damn, baket ko ba kasi pinapatulan? tsk tsk.

anyway..

job hunting today.. online. hopefully, before this month ends, may job na ako.

i'm soooooo happy to be back. Rinoa's back. let's chit-chat till the wee hours of the morn! teeheehee..

why do i always have to end up with an immature ex? (R's not included of course). stop! enough about A.

on the lighter side....

someone's making me smile.. thanks sandy. ;)

random thoughts of a wounded healer

2006-04-03T23:42:00.000+08:00

hmm.. i should be more discreet about my blog.

anyway..

i will meet cel, on thursday.. hanap kami ng work. i want to make something productive out of my summer vacation. then on saturday, i'll be at prov.. i'll meet some chatters from LP.. and then prolly a drinking session with cel and mhay.. yeah i'm the fifth wheel. teeheehee..

i'm happy the ex is now minding 'his' own business. that should keep me sane for a while.

---------

march madness:

1.) finally managed to face R a year after the break up. it happened on our supposed to be 4th yr anniversary. kewl huh.

2.) had a two day relationship with P.. (not that serious though)

3.) met K, who fell in love with me, but i wasn't ready.. and well.. i don't think we're meant to be..

4.) liked T.. at least that's what i thought.

5.) broke up with A.. the reason why i am sooooooooo damn happy :)

-----

i miss being in love..
i miss cuddling with someone...
i miss saying i love you to someone..
i miss someone saying i love you to me..and really mean it.
i miss someone caring for me.
i miss holding hands.

i miss loving someone... i miss being loved.

-----

but i am not yet ready to compromise my freedom.

*&^#@&#^&@^#

2006-04-01T01:25:00.000+08:00

i know i shouldn't be posting any entry about A, but i just can't help it. this is the right venue to rant.

i really don't know if you're just playing dumb or what.

stay away from me.

stop being nice. it won't change a thing.

mind your own business.

save the little respect i have for you.

i don't need you to worry for me.

just live your life and i'll live mine.

let me go!

now i feel better.

hopeless romantic

2006-03-30T09:54:00.000+08:00

kahit ano pa sabihin ng iba jan.. i love 'em both. they make pbbce worth watching.

so peeps,

text BB BIANCA

BB ZANJOE

231 for smart

2331 for globe,tm

G

2006-03-30T01:54:00.000+08:00

for G's benefit, here's my reason why i refused A's friendship:

I DON'T TRUST A ANYMORE.

tell me, how can u be friends with someone you don't trust? it's not because of bitterness G, at lalong hindi dahil sa i am not over him.

i don't even agree with the 'may pinagsamahan naman kami' notion.

as lovers, we failed. what's the assurance that we can be good friends then?

i feel alone today.

2006-03-30T01:17:00.000+08:00

i decided not to register with unlimitxt today. i'm not in the mood to be kiddie's doctor love. for the record, kiddie's the one who told me he's in love with me but later on we found out that we're not really meant to be together. we clash most of the time, it's not a good sign. now he's liking this girl from cebu and i'm getting a bit irritated with him asking my view on this and that. for heaven's sake butch ka, you know how it works dude. work you way to her.

i'm also a bit disappointed with mae. but i don't want to elaborate. it will pass.

sometimes, when you're single, you feel alone. but i promise ngayon lang yan.

dalaga ka na!!

2006-03-28T23:45:00.000+08:00

Happy 18th Birthday Kris!!!

love you grl.. miss na kita :)

the case of the ex.

2006-03-27T23:04:00.000+08:00

as much as i want to keep mum about something i found out about my ex, i can't help but blog about it.

i found out that he had a relationship with someone else, they're turning 2 years old on june. one year na dapat kami sa june din. whoa! hehe.

anyway, my reaction was.. yeah i am expecting something like that to happen. honestly.. since the time i saw him texting someone with "heaven" as the codename, my trust with him was never the same again. the thing is, di lang ako ang niloko niya, pati rin si T. i wonder if nalaman ni T yung tungkol kay M though.

i am now puzzled, why bother saying i didnt do anything for him? eh may M naman pala? aysus. pinahirapan pa ko. he could have broken up with me and tell it straight to my face that he has a mhean waiting for him blah blah.., and maybe i would have considered being friends with him. atleast, he's honest. kaya lang, di nya ginawa so... let it be!

if the ex thinks i'm bitter.. go ahead. isipin mo ano gusto mo isipin. i don't really care. yan exactly ang reason ko why i don't want anything to do with him. he can't keep his mouth shut. para bang he's always entitled to say what he wants to say. ako, on the other hand, will just be quiet.. i'll let him do the talking. but of course, no one can keep me from blogging about it! hehe.. let him think that my qm was for him even if it was meant for someonelse. baka mapahiya eh. :)

basta, i don't have anything to say to him. i have already stated my case, i answered every question with conviction and i am so damn happy because i am finally free.

i made the best decision in my life!

closing cycles

2006-03-27T10:07:00.000+08:00

i have always loved this. makes me feel better after a breakup. hope it can make you feel better too.. :)

Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stopturning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment." Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

finally...

2006-03-27T09:05:00.000+08:00

yesterday, an hour before my final exam in civ pro.. my ex decided to confront me. nice timing. anyway, he noticed that everytime he would text me, i would always say goodbye or make an excuse so that we can cut the conversation. partly true, but hey, i have my reasons.

here are the points he raised/clarified with me (sms lang po eto):

1.) lagi ka na lang nagbabye pag nagtetext ako. hindi naman ako numb no.

- ok, point taken. the things is, wrong timing ka magtext. when he texted me yesterday, i was on my way to school. i didn't mean to make him feel like i don't want to text him or anything, although i think subconsciously that's what i want.

2.) sayang lang naging tayo.

- i totally disagree with this one. i never wasted my time on you, in fact, as what i have told you, it was a pleasure having you in my life. no one has ever prepared a dinner date for me, it was only you who did that for me. i hope you won't feel this way. it saddens me that to you, it was just a waste of time and effort. even if we only lasted for 6 months, it was the highlight of my life last year.

3.) tama ang desisyon ko na di bumalik kasi wala kang ginawa para iparamdam saken kung gano ako kahalaga sayo.

- i was totally hurt by this one. this is totally untrue.when you failed the board exam, i was there. i told you how much i love you and that i am still proud of you with or without your license. when all along i thought that we're back in each other's arms and with a blink of an eye you told me that we're not yet together.. i didn't take it against you. i wanted so much to argue and to talk about us, but i respect that you have so much pain inside you at the time, so i kept my feelings to myself. instead, i would cry myself to sleep, for two straight weeks.

4.) ang ginawa mo, umiwas ka.

- because i have no other choice.

5.) hinintay naman kita e, na gumawa ng way para maayos tayo. if i remember sabi mo you'll do anything. pero wala kang ginawa.

- noon pa naman diba? you would always blame it on me. feeling ko i am worthless. its just a pity that for you i did not do anything. just the same, minahal kita sa paraang alam ko. and whether you felt it or not, as long as i know deep in my heart that i did everything to make this relationship work. but i can't do it by myself. ako lang ba dapat ang umayos? all along ba ang problema nasakin lang?? it takes two to tango. you left me hanging, a position i don't want to experience. finally i found my way out, and sadly, it is to live my life without you in it.

god knows, and everyone.. including my friends..they know how much i have loved you. i won't deny the fact that i still care for you, but its not enough to make me stay. just as when you told me yo don't see any reason for us to have a relationship, i don't see any reason for me to fight for this. i have mourned so much already, i am so tired.

thank you so much for being a part of my life. i have learned a lot from our relationship. i have learned how to value someone for who he is, and that both of you should strive hard to make the realtionship work, not just one person.

i am happy that you're happy. i wish you well too.

as much as i hate saying goodbye, i have to.

making a choice.

2006-03-23T15:59:00.000+08:00

last night, somebody told me that he's inlove with me..

my reaction? a mixture of happiness, bliss and a slight fear.

happiness. of course, ikaw ba naman sabihan nun di ka matutuwa? hehe.

bliss. i like her din kasi.

fear. ah the ultimate feeling. hehe. well, i have this fear that the moment magdecide ako to accept her love, baka ma-compromise yung freedom ko. blame reby for this, pero nasanay talaga ko maging independent. ayoko ng pinagsasabihan ako, ayoko rin ng over ang restrictions saken. just last night, we were talking on the phone, i told her about lezpinay's 8th anniversary party, and she told me na what if ayaw nia ko pumunta. sosyal. tayo ba? hehe. anyway, i told her na give me one good reason kung baket di ako pupunta and if i find it reasonable enough, i won't go. di sya nakapagbigay ng reason no. later on she told me kasi daw possessive sya. hay naku. bad shot.

i don't really want to ask permission from anyone, kung ano gusto ko, gagawin ko. ok lang magsabi, pero yung magpaaalam? argh. parang di pa kaya ng powers ko yan sa ngayon. that's why even if im so tempted to give my 'yes' to her, I CAN'T. i ain't ready to give my freedom away.

i don't want to compromise anything for the sake of love, the last time ginawa ko sya, i ended up with a broken heart. its either she'll take me for what i am.. or maybe humanap na lang sya ng iba.

hay. the problem is, i am starting to like him more than i should like him.. gets? hehe. ewan!

FALLING IN LOVE IS A CRIME!

the real score

2006-03-21T23:37:00.000+08:00

i received a text message from A (my recent ex) while i was on my way to schooL:

A: ba't pala di ka na text? umiiwas ka na no? di ba tayo pwede maging friends?

me: pwede naman.busy lang ako.

A: asus. nung tayo pa, kahit busy ka nagtetext ka pa rin. ok lang naman saken kung umiiwas ka na eh.

me: busy lang talaga ako. nasa school ako from 8am-9pm.

A: wala ako magagawa kung idedeny mo. blah blah blah.

-oOOo-

ang daming questions no? so ano ba talaga kasi ang nangyari saken at basta na lang akong nagstop magtext? talaga bang umiiwas na ko? ano ba talaga ate/kuya?

It's true. i've been avoiding her for almost a week now. it's not because i hate her or something.. alam nyo yun, parang nauntog na ko. nagising na ko sa katotohonan. nagising na lang ako one day na parang wala na ko lakas to go on. it came to a point na i had no more strenght left and before ako mawalan ng respeto sa sarili ko at sa kanya, i decided to stay away.

it wasn't easy on my part, especially because i have made plans already.. of spending my life with her.. kaso feeling ko ako lang naman may gusto. how can you expect to spend your life with someone who doesn't want to have a commitment with you? and ang tanging gusto ko lang, assurance... kahit gano katagal maghintay basta alam mo may hinihintay ka.. e linyahan ka ba naman ng 'cguro pag nagka work pwede natin ibalik yung dati'.. CGURO? PWEDE?? ayos!

now here it comes, the hardest part of all..

i decided to quit her. but i have to, para rin samen to. and i know i really don't have the courage to tell her about this, but i know sooner or later she'll know. it doesn't matter kung ano maging reaction nya..

basta i'm free!!! and alavet!!!!!!!!!!

2006-03-19T00:19:00.000+08:00

and when that time comes, i can already die.

no.. not this time

2006-03-18T21:34:00.000+08:00

i think i am really liking someone now.

and it sucks.. bigtime.

why?

because i know i can never have him. and the thought of it makes me wanna beat myself up or just kill myself.

this is a classic example of a love that was never mine to begin with.

why do i always have to end up like this? why do i always have to like someone who doesn't like me?

WHY HER?? WHY NOW?? WHY ME???

argh....................

trying to be friends.

2006-03-18T16:40:00.000+08:00

as much as i don't want anything to do with my ex, di nya yata gets. he keeps on texting me, i don't like it. ayoko na sya kausap e. parang di ko lang gets na after all ng nangyari, he expects us to be good friends.. haller?!

ok i'm not bitter.. and i don't hate him. it's just that hindi ko ugali makipagkaibigan sa ex ko. and please, i have friends. ok na saken yun.

and yung way ng pag text nya.. super nice and all.. hindi niya personality yun. i really don't see any reason para ibalik pa yung communication. it's better nung di pa sya nagtetext. oh well...
------

yesterday till 6am today, i was with my bestfriend. we stayed sa condo, nag inuman (i suck at drinking, 1 1/2 can lang plakda na ko.. BOO!) and talked about a lot of things. she's experiencing love problems at the moment, i, on the other hand, am love problem free.. i told her i am happy. pero may kulang. and as much as possible, ayoko alamin kung ano yung kulang na yun. because the minute i start figuring out what that empty space is, i'll end up with a broken heart.

masarap maging single, you can do whatever you want, wala ka masasagasaan. pero i have to admit, at the end of the day, especially if the sun's about to set, i feel some kinda loneliness inside me. i don't know if its only because i miss having a relationship with someone or whatever.. pero i am not ready to suffer another heart break at the moment so i guess, LOVE, if not the last, is not on my priority list.

but i like someone.

patay tayo jan. hehehe.

oh i'll make sure that it's just gonna be like that till the end. ang importante, the mere sight of her name in my inbox brightens up my day. i don't really give a damn about the content of the message, basta naaalala niya ko. ok na ko. the case of an unrequited like. ahahahaha. :P

yes people, i'm cynic to the highest level.. and on top of that, i'm cursed.

new blog

2006-03-17T00:52:00.000+08:00

welcome to my nth blog.. and this time, i'm trying it out with blogspot.
it took me 2 hrs to finish the entire look.. and then another hour for the finishing touches.. tadaaa.. here's the product of my not so expert knowlegde in editing a template.
-0oo0-

anyway.. yesterday.. around 7am.. while i was still dreaming about zanjoe, i received a text message from my ex.

ex: binigay mo ba no ko? wala naman sana bigayan ng no. (not the exact words, i am trying my best to recall. because obviously i would rather dream about zanjoe than to read her txt msg)

me: hindi ako nagbibigay ng no,

ex: sa chatroom daw nya nakuha eh. tpos nagalit pa saken nung ayoko makipagtextmate sa kanya.

me: i see. it's not me. when i'm online i usually blog or surf the net. besides, i don't go online that often coz malapit na finals.

ex: ok cge.

now for my piece.

i don't really know what made you think that of all people, ako pa magbibigay ng number mo sa iba. kahit minsan i never thought about giving your number to someone. baket number mo pa? mas ok kung number ko na. para may textmate ako no. and excuse me but i don't really want anything to do with you starting today. i'm totally fed up. yes, i will not deny that i still have feelings for you.. but its not enough to make me stay.. its not enough to want you back.. its over.

ewan ko ba, maybe i was just trying to convince myself that i am indeed over you, i may be wrong, but one thing's for sure, i don't really think of you that much anymore. i am not even sure if i love you, but i still care. you pushed me to feel this.. and now i have come to the end of the road. there's no turning back. even if i am alone.